Friday, 10 April 2015

BOOTYficent


So last year, I read this fictional fairy tale story on my okadabooks app about a girl who had an afro…a HUGE and humongous AFRO with magical powers. The title is AFRO- the girl with the magical hair...It was a spin on the classic Rapunzel story but with a seasoning to it. The author claims to have written it primarily for his love of natural hair…
And so, I got this brilliant idea to compose my own spin on another classic fairytale - for my love of natural booty and brown skin. Behold my spin...I'd love to know what you think....da al├╝!!!



                    
ONE YEAR LIKE THAT
I
t was the middle of the harmattan season in the far away land of Manakamana, Everything seemed hot and dry as the last of the rains had just watered the earth. King Odekwu, the ruler of the land had gone away for the annual ‘Meeting Of The Eleven Kings’, leaving the affairs of the kingdom in the care of his lovely wife, Queen Mirinda. She was a beauty, loved by all and sundry especially because of her kind nature and outstanding sense of humour. She did good wherever she went and put a smile on the faces of everyone she met. The only persons that never smiled when she talked with them were those with extreme cases of either bad belle or tooth decay.
On this fateful day, the queen decided to take a walk around the kingdom. And so accompanied by two maidservants and four or five bodyguards, she did. As she walked through the Central Market, she came to a Chocolate store. The Queen loved Chocolate. She was a Chocoholic.
“sweet chocolate, buy your sweet sweet chocolate here, the sweetest ever made. White chocolate, Milk chocolate, Dark chocolate, even the Semisweet and Unsweetened chocolate. I have them! I have them all!”
The trader shouted, as he beckoned on passers-by to come unto from him.
“sweet chocolate for my queen, I have sweet brown chocolate, my lady! One taste and you’ll name your first child after me.”The trader said, teasingly as he caught sight of the good queen. The queen was amused at this andshe placed her order.

When she got to the palace, Queen Mirinda went into her inner chambers and sat in front of a window which offered a wonderful view of the kingdom to enjoy her bars of chocolate. As she chewed on them voraciously and humming a melody, gazing occasionally at the vast brown landscape of the kingdom – at the black ebony trees and the dry grasses, the birds chirruping and the busy streets, wondering at its magnificence, a tiny piece of the chocolate fell on the beautiful white satin gown she was wearing.Queen Mirinda quickly brought out her handkerchief and rubbed on the stains to get them off, but she was unsuccessful. She finally stopped trying and went back to eating her chocolate. The queen was in deep thought. She thought about the kingdom and its people, those she met that day, those that needed help and those that she helped already. She also thought about the king and his travels and the loneliness she usually felt in his absence. And then she said to herself:
“chai!!!, if only I had a baby, a beautiful baby girl with skin as brown as chocolate, hair as black as the Ebony trees out there, eyes as bright as this harmattan weather and a heart as white as my white gown (her gown was very really white), I would cherish her with all my heart, share with her my deepest concerns and maybe no longer feel as lonely as I do everytime the king travels out for the ‘Meeting Of Eleven Kings’.”

It just so happened that a few weeks later, King Odekwu came back from his trip andwent in and had relations with his wife, and not long after, she conceived and had a baby girl. Her baby was extremely beautiful, with skin as brown as Chocolate, hair so curly and black as Ebony. But her eyes were still closed at birth like most normal newborns, so there was no way to know whether her eyes were bright.
The queen felt joy, nothing but joy. So much joy that she developed Joy OverloadIn Delivery (JOID) which led to some complications and was gonna kill her eventually. As she took her last breaths, the King asked her to name the child. But due to her deteriorating condition, she could think ofnothing else but CHOCOLATE*******

At the news of the queen’s death, everyone wept…everyone. All the inhabitants of the ‘Eleven Kingdoms’, and even their animals.Everyone who knew about the Queen’s goodness and who knew that she would be greatly missed. Even the clouds seemed to weep as the rains poured heavily upon the land at her time of death. The beloved Queen Mirinda had passed away, gone to where angels fly.


THE BOOTY GAMES
D
uring the ‘Festival Of  The Blue Stars’,maidens from all over the ‘Eleven Kingdoms’ came together to participate in the Annual Booty Games. The Booty Games was a contest held in honour of Doro, the goddess of the ‘Booty’ and Magnifier of Women.
The contest featured maidensfrom all over the ‘Eleven Kingdoms’ coming to show forth their booty. They were the owners of the biggest and thickest booties ever seen. These ‘Booty’ contestants were tested on the shape, strength, size and thickness of their booty, and they received points for each test. Such tests included the breaking of coconuts and smashing of calabashes.
The Kingdom of Manakamana was hosting this year’s Annual Booty Games, and the king had intended to take the winner to be his new wife.

Makosa, a young maiden from the kingdomof Okolo won the contest. This year made her 5-time consecutive winner of the contest, and she deserved it. She had an awesome well-rounded booty that could only be described depending on the eyes of the beholder. Some beholders described it as‘Onion-shaped’, some others preferred to compare it to ‘Two planets’. Her booty even got the attention of the kingdom’s renowned Bootyologists who confirmed that her booty was, as a matter of fact, Legendary.
It was rumoured that at the time of her birth, a prophecy came through Usea, the priestess of Doro to her parents saying:
“Unto you a child will be born, unto you a daughter will be given, and  my hand shall be unto the booty and her name shall be called, ‘Wonderful, Bootyficent, B-One, Ever-conspicuous Mama and the Queen of thick’.”

Makosa also knew how to wiggle. It came so naturally that she wiggled as she walked.
Despite, her attractive booty and her innate wiggle ability, Makosa maintained her booty assets by the daily application of a special mixture of Cocoa Butter, Vegetable oil, Bobo Juice and Honey. She also attended wiggle lessons four times in a week to improve further on her wiggling, and thus she was very good at what she did.


BOOTYFUL PAIN
A
fter Queen Mirinda passed away, the King resolved to take for himself another wife. “it is not good for a king as bucci as me to be alone.” He thought. “I will hence get myself a maiden…one that is Bootylicious and Beautifully true.” And so after the Booty Games had come to an end, the king announced that he was going to take the winner, Makosa as his new Queen.

Shortly after Makosa ascended the throne as queen, everything changed. The once, admirable and wise king suddenly changed into a lazy and foolish king, he no longer performed his regal roles. Day in, Day out, all he did was eat, drink, shit and sleep. He left the matters of the King to his new wife and she ruled with an Iron fist.
She now virtually controlled the affairs of the kingdom. She represented him at meetings, at which she caused Environmental and Emotional havoc with her bad character and her booty. She increased the taxes paid by the people for no reason. As a matter of fact, she did as she liked. No one dared report her to the king for fear of being assassinated...hardly anyone ever saw the king these days.
The queen also became overly obsessed with her booty, she loved her booty so much that she became so booty-narcisstic, and stopped letting the king make love to her, lest he manhandles it. It is rumoured that this was what drove the king crazy. Poor King!, He could not divorce his wife because he swore an oath by the old gods and the new ones to not take another wife until her death. So the king stomached her attitude until he finally went crazy and became The Mad King.
The queen was not only obsessed, she was ambitious. Her ambition was to be the Most Bootylicious in all the ‘Eleven Kingdoms’. She knew she could no longer compete in the Annual Booty Contest as the queen, but she still wanted to be The Most Bootylicious.
To ensure that this happened, she travelled far and across The Sea of Coals to visit the famous Wise & Powerful White-skinned Wizard. The Wizard told the Queen that the only way to maintain her ‘Bootylicious’ status was to constantly eliminate everyone who had become‘The Most Bootylicious’ in all the ‘Elevenkingdoms’. Hence,The wizard gave her a magic mirror to keep her updated.
“when you get back home, stand in front of this mirror and say the magic words:
“who carry  front, who carry back, Who in all the land is the Most Bootylicious Black.””

The queen agreed. As soon as she got home, she went into a room behind closed doors, stood in front of the mirror and said the magic words:
“who carry front, who carry back, Who in all the land is the Most Bootylicious Black.”

And the Magic Mirror spoke, in reply:
“You carry front, you carry back. You, My Queen are the most Bootylicious Black.”
This response from the mirror kept the queen happy because she was assured by the Wizard that the mirror could not tell a lie.


DREAMers and HATErs
A
s the years went by, Chocolate grew more and more beautiful. And everyone loved her. She was just as kind-hearted as her mother, the Late Queen Mirinda, but apart from having her extremely good character and sense of humour, she was extremely beautiful. Day after Day, her skin was becoming like Fine Chocolate. Her hair had grown deep black and long. And she packed them in an adorable manner, a different hairstyle each and every day.She was so kind and loving that she even caught the attention of the gods.
One cold night, the goddess of the Booty, Doro,appeared to her in a dream and said:
“Chocolate, I am Doro, the goddess of the Booty and The Magnifier of Women. I, among other gods have seen your good work, your profound generosity and love to all you meet and we are pleased with your doings. Ask me of anything and you shall receive.”

Chocolate said: “I am the daughter of my Late Mother, Queen Mirinda, who was the most generous queen that ever lived. But I am only a little child and do not know how to go out or come in, and I find myself daily in the midst of people who expect so much from me and need my help. All I ask is the heart to understand people, the wisdom to discern them and the strength to help them.”
This response pleased the goddess so much that Chocolate had asked this thing. And the goddess said: “Because you asked this thing, and did not ask for yourself a Big Booty or a Wiggly Walk, but you have asked for understanding, wisdom and strength, Behold, I will give you all you asked for and more: Intelligence, Beauty and Booty shall be yours.You shall have the roundest and thickest booty in all the land. Thy booty shall be a Charm and a Shield. There shall be none as Bootylicious as you. Neither before nor after shall any booty rise to compare with you.”

And Chocolate awoke and thought that it was merely a dream. She later suspected that it was not just a dream when she began to feel a chilling sensation in her buttocks.

Queen Makosakept on inquiring of the mirror who the most Bootylicious was. She did that several times when she had nothing else to do, and that could mean several times in one day. This kept on until the Magic Mirror began to grow fed up with the Queen’s obsession.
One day, when Ch0colate was eighteen, the queen went in front of the mirror and said:
“who carry front, who carry back. Who in all the land is the Most Bootylicious Black.”

But to her amazement, the Mirror replied:
“thou hath still got the booty, my queen, but Chocolate has got the largest I ever seen.”

The queen, who was technically black, turned red with anger when she heard this. She immediately sent for Azure, her personal Ninja Assassin.
“go, kidnap Chocolateand take her into the Evil Forest and kill her.” Ordered Queen Makosa.
“consider it done, my queen.” said Azure, and he exited her presence, Ninja style.

Azure kidnapped Chocolate successfully and took her, with her face covered into the Evil Forest.
Not-too-Deep into the forest, but just out of sight of everyday people, Azure uncovered her face and pulled out a dagger. But as he was about to kill her, she looked him in the eye and said, “Assassin, o assassin, please do not take my life. I will go away into the Evil forest and never come home again.”
Azure was enthralled by her gentle voice. He could no longer bring himself to take the life of such a sweet girl. But he swore to ensure that she was killed.
“the evil forest is inhabited by wild animals and evil spirits, she would be dead anyway”, he thought.
And thus, he let the Chocolate live.


THE HOUSE OF WAX
D
eep into the forest, the poor child was alone. She had no water and she was hungry, so hungry that it felt like her stomach was on fire. Chocolate was terrified. There were evil-looking trees, she heard sounds and saw some scary wildlife, like spiders that were as big as cats. But they seemed to like her as they didn’t bother her. Further and further she walked, past several sections of the forest.The Garden Of Bones, filled with the skeletons of people banished to the forest to die, The Path Of Pain, with its thick bushes and sharp thorns, and The Gold Triangle which was extremely silent, with no sign of any living thing. She kept on, and on until it was evening. The moon was at its brightest and the forest was silent...as silent as a heart that just stopped beating. When she felt she could go no more and was thinking of having a rest, Chocolate came to a strange house. It was humongous and made of Hard candle Wax. The windows were high up and made up of hard black ebony wood and the door was big and tall and had an inscription that read: Beware Of The Owners.
Chocolate approached the strange house with caution. The door was unlocked, when she opened it, the door made a sound like hoofs of a thousand horses.
Inside the house, there was a staircase that wound to the top, a large, beautiful furniture, silver plates and silver spoons and silver forks. There was also a refrigerator which seemed old but when she opened it, it was cold inside and stuffed with seven green bottles of Orijin, eleven bottles of Water and some loaves of agege bread. And so Chocolate, being very hungry, helped herself out with some of the bread and a bottle of water and Orijin. Then as she was tired and tipsy from the alcohol, she lay on one of the beds, said a prayer and slept.


CANDY and CRUSH
W
hen it was very dark, the owners of the House of wax returned. They were The Giant twins.They were calledthe giant twins  because they were Giants, literally.
Every morning, they went over the Red Mountains beyond and unto the Black Rivers below in search of Blood Diamonds and Black Pearls. This they did until it was evening and then they returned home and later sold these stones in the Main Market on Weekends. One of the twins lit the generator and as the lights were on, the other noticed that everything was not as they left it. The bottles of Orijin in the refrigerator had been reduced by one. The bottled water too. And the loaves of bread had also been consumed.
Chocolate was terrified when she woke up in the middle of the night and saw the twins. But with a smile, one of them said:
“fear not, for we shall not harm you, I am Candy and this is my brother, Crush. What is your name?”

“My name is Chocolate, but my friends call me Choco.” She said. Then she told them about her step-mother and how she wanted to have her killed, but that the assassin charged with taking her life actually saved it, and that she had to run through the forest the whole day until she found their dwelling place, and that she entered even though she was scared. She also commented on the huge doors and the walls of wax and how she drank alcohol for the first time that night. And the twins actually paid attention.
Crush said, “if you will take care of the house, cook, make the beds, wash the dishes, and if you will keep everything neat, then you can stay with us and you shall want for nothing.”
Chocolate agreed to their terms and conditions  and she stayed with them. In the mornings, the twins would go over the Red Mountains and unto the Rivers below in search of Blood Diamonds and Black Pearls and In the evenings, they returned and their dinner had to be ready. She was alone all day, and thus the Giant Twins warned her saying:“beware of your step-mother, she will soon know that you are here, be sure to let no one come in.”


THE ASSASSINATION
N
ow, when Azure, the Ninja Assassin delivered news of Chocolate’s death to Queen Makosa, she was excited and her heart gladdened. She threw a bash and made a joyous celebration. The whole kingdom of Manakamana however went cold and silent when the news spread throughout, as it was in Queen Mirinda’s death, but this time, the clouds did not cry.

The Magic Mirror had managed to conceal Chocolate’s existence through a list of lying and false reassurances. This it did to prevent the queen from having a heart attack. But over time, the mirror had become fed up with the queen’s questions of obsession as to who carry front, who carry back and who the Most Bootylicious was. One day, for the one thousand and seventh time that day, the queen asked the mirror:
“who carry front, who carry back. Who in all the land is the Most Bootylicious Black.”
The Mirror was really pissed off this time and so, it answered:
“thou, oh queen has still got ‘The booty’,
But past the evil forest, in the home of the Giant twins, there lives Chocolate, the Most Bootylicious I have ever seen.”
On hearing this, the queen was flabbergasted and shocked. “but that can’t be true.” said QueenMakosa. “I was assured by my trusted Ninja Assassin that she was dead.”
“like seriously?” said the Mirror, laughing out loud.
“Everybody lies, my queen, even a magic mirror.”
The Queen turned red with anger because she realized that she was deceived by both her Ninja Assassin and her Magic Mirror whom she thought could not tell a lie. Out of rage, the Queen took the mirror and threw it out the window and it fell and shattered into a million tiny pieces.
“I will simply get another one from the White-Skinned Wizard.” she thought. “One that is loyal and faithful and true. But first of all, I really need to get rid of Chocolate, and this time, I will do it yourself.”

Queen Makosa finally decided on a plan to go the House Of The Giant Twins in the guise of an old woman. But first, she needed a Transformation. She went down into her underground Chamber of Secrets & Spells, and picked up a book on ‘The Transformation Spell’ which was given to her by the Wise & Powerful White-skinned Wizard as a bonus package for purchasing his Magic Mirror.

Alomo, Cannabis, every thing nasty and 7 jugs of CHEMICAL  Z. These were the ingredients required to create a concuction for Transformation  into the perfect,  bootyless old woman and BOOOM!!!!! The Magic Potion was done.
She drank a cup of the potion and BAAAM!!! Morphed into a bootyless old woman. However, the Potion Effect was set to wear off in forty hours and thus she set off immediately into the Evil Forest armed with talismans for protection from evil spirits and the powers of darkness.


Attempt #1: AFRICAN SALAD
It was a sunny afternoon and Chocolate was in the kitchen preparing Yam Porridge, when she heard a voice outside:
“buy your African salad, your sweet sweetAfrican salad here.”
Chocolate ran to the window to see who it was.
“Child, come and buy my sweet sweet African salad, Made from the sweetest cassava, garden eggs, palm oil and utazi ever. You may be my first customer for  today, so I will put some extra.”

“I would have loved to, Ma’am. But I have already had my lunch and I am preparing dinner.” said Chocolate, as she left to continue her cooking. The old woman sat outside wondering what just happened until she realized that the potion was soon going to expire and thus, she left.

Attempt #2: DICED PINEAPPLES
One morning, when Chocolate was solving Mathematics, she heard a voice outside saying,
“buy your pineapples, your best pineapples. Sweetest pineapples. Planted and harvested in Driarrhea, home of the best pineapple farmers in all of the ‘Eleven Kingdoms’. come and buy my pineapples, little girl, they are so sweet you’ll forget your name.”
It was an old pineapple seller  beckoning to Chocolate to come buy some.
“No, thank you. I will just get some pineapples from my own garden.” Chocolate said as she left and went back to her books.


BOOTYLIshield
T
he Evil Queen went back to her underground Chamber of Secrets and Spells, confused. She thought and thought…and thought on a way to get close to Chocolate so as to kill her. She thought day and night, everywhere she went, until she got it, an idea so good that she was certain it was so going to work.

Chocolate was preparing peppersoup one day when she heard a knock on the door, the huge pearly door. When she went to answer it, she was surprised to see an old-looking haggardly-dressed woman.
“My name is Chikala.” The old woman said. “I was travelling to the next village to visit my daughter in-law and i was robbed. Right now, I have no money and food and extra clothing.” She said, shedding tears.
Chocolate felt pity for the old woman and invited her inside. When the old woman was seated, Chocolate excused herself to the kitchen to check the food on the fire.
As soon as Chocolate turned around, the old woman brought out a wand and cast a spell on Chocolate, saying the magic words:
‘Dracunculus Slumbaris!!!’

But alas, something happened. The spell that was cast on Chocolate struck her on her booty...yes, the same booty that was blessed by Doro and was decreed to be her Charm and Shield. The impact on the booty caused a reversal and sent it back to the sender.
“chai!!!, e don be!!!!” screamed the old woman as she fell on her back, transforming into the Evil Queen Makosa to Chocolate’s dismay. Just then, the Giants returned. It was a weekend, so they came back earlier. When Chocolate saw them, she ran to them and narrated all that happened.
“she got exactly what she deserved.” said CANDY.
“and she should bother you no more.” said CRUSH.


THE RETURN OF THE PRINCESS
Chocolate went back to her kingdom, the kingdom of Manakamana, in the company of the giants. Everybody was happy to know that she was alive and well. The Mad King  returned to his senses when he saw his long lost daughter and learnt that his troublesome wife would trouble him no more.
And so Chocolate lived happily ever after in the kingdom of Manakamana. She later completed her education and got married to one of the most-respected men in all the ‘Eleven kingdoms’, but that is a story for another year.

As for QueenMakosa, she went into Suspended Animation as a result of the ‘Spell Of Endless Slumber’ that she attempted to cast on Chocolate. The only remedy for this spell was a direct transfer to someone who is truly in love with the victim, but no one ever came forward to profess true love and volunteer to take the place of the NastyQueen, and so she lays in a Black Pearly Coffin in the Dungeons of the Palace of the Kingdom of Manakamana until this day.


THE END!!!




PS:
This story was written by VICTORY ANOSIKE (me) - in my time of Academic Dormancy.

6 comments:

  1. lmao...funny story. all the king did was eat, drink, shit and sleep. na King Baratheon (game of thrones?)

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. Lol...I am actually a huge fan of G.O.T. I guess some ideas slipped in.

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  4. this is crazy. who carry front, who carry back? lmao!!!

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  5. HE HAS COME AGAIN. i wonder what inspires you to write these funny stories of yours.
    how do you get ideas?

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  6. Hehehehe...ma sources are too numerous to mention. I will probably hopefully create a composition to that effect in future.
    Thanks y'all.

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